Editor's note: The following text contains language and concepts that some may find offensive, obscene, rude, vulgar, immoral and/or inappropriate.*

1. Detox
Your body indeed has non-sexual needs, so consider this the perfect inspiration to focus on just that. Time apart from said satisfier of sexual needs is a chance to spend quality time thoroughly examining your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. Being in a relationship (i.e., fucking someone) embodies essentially (I believe) the same addictive qualities as that of drinking, smoking, or any other forms of inebriation (yoga included) and if you're truly truly truly truly gonna stay faithful and maintain an LDR you gotta brace yourself for the demons you're about to confront full on, the same way you'd approach trying to quit smoking.

Let me impersonate Dr. Phil for a moment and ask, Do you believe you are actually capable of NOT FUCKING other people in the absence of your BF/GF?

... think slowly and thoroughly ... really? Are you capable? Most people will probably answer, "Sure! Of course!" But wait ... think about it ... how long are you going to be away for? One, two, nine months? Peace Corps two-year relationship deferral? Re-examine and re-evaluate AGAIN: Are you capable? Once you are BigBoy enough to admit that you're probably not capable, you've overcome the first obstacle to a committed LDR: Denial of potential infidelity.

But it's natural and normal to let loose and have a little fun, especially when the old ball and chain isn't around. And thus I feel it's OK to look, flirt, and even fantasize about others because, let's face it—you will anyway!

Think of it this way: Instead of saying, "Man, this sucks—no sex, no lovin', no nothin'!," think "Wahoo! I don't have to worry about STDs, birth control, pregnancy, psychological retardation or generally screwing up as my honey-britches so frequently claims I do—YES!"

So consider this not only detox but also a vacation away from the daily dramatic woes relationships cause. The success of an LDR depends all on your mental preparation and attitude, being fully aware and honest with yourself about temptation and how far you'll look—and not touch—because, let's face it, you'll want to. Be prepared for withdrawals and temptations, but don't feel guilty about them—they're part of the healing process! Acknowledge them, explore them and then ...

2. Masturbate Masturbate Masturbate!
Love yourself. I mean, loooooove yourself. A lot. Masturbation is beautiful because it's sweet, simple, and to the point. Granted, it's no substitute for the real thing; it's a quick solution in times of absolute desperation. I mean, let's face it, sometimes you just need something fast and simple, like a granola bar, and what do we love about granola? It's simple and healthy! And when you're really jonesin' for some loving who better to stick it to you than you? So enjoy yourself, literally, and with no awkward morning-after moments.

3. Find a new hobby
... or rekindle old ones. With all the time you save you'll have plenty of time in your schedule to do something else not related to sex or the pursuit of it. You're gonna have to find ways to take your mind off the fact that you're not getting laid, and what better way than to better yourself than through long-forgotten (nonsexual) passions and interests that were put on the back burner when you decided it was more gratifying to get laid, eh? Immerse yourself—crossword puzzles, yoga, canoeing—whatever you want, you have the time. I spent nine months practicing pentatonic scales and lifting weights at the gym because I wasn't getting any exercise from sex ... and then went home and jacked off ... but not before finishing my crossword puzzle and bubble milk tea.

4. Find a buddy!
Preferably somebody single** or also in an LDR and (most important) someone very very ugly, someone you find absolutely repugnant sexually and in no way, shape, or form might ever want to fuck—an "anti-fuck buddy," if you will. Your anti-fuck buddy, in addition, should be someone whose antics you find amusing and who is available to do stuff with—like your new-found hobby of pilates or Nora Roberts novels—and generally hang out with and keep you from realizing how lonely it actually is.

The anti-FB, like your new found hobby, is a resource to keep you focused, someone to spend quality time with you (like a BF/GF), but from whose company you'd rather part at the end of the day in favor of going home to chafe the carrot.

**I would like to make special mention that unless they themselves are obsessed by some hobby or ghost, single people (not all, of course) generally are not ideal anti-fuck buddies because they tend to spend a lot of time playing the field, aka trying to get laid, aka rubbing your nose right in the stinkpile you are trying to avoid. Caution: Screen single people wisely.

Conclusions
These are, of course, only suggestions, simple guidelines I adhered to when I was in Singapore for nine months. It worked for me, but there is no guarantee they'll work for you because only you know what you're actually capable of. And if ya don't like it, blow me. Er, on second thought, no. Save it for yourself.

*If you don't like it, blow the author.

This article by Malicious C. was first published in CHENGDOO citylife Magazine, issue 26 ("how to 3.0) "How Not to Be in a Relationship," by Malicious C. the first installment in her two-part relationship-boot-camp series, was published in our very first issue, May 2007.

Share this article