Thanks a lot Leannas. Thanks for letting me ride my pushbike halfway across town in 35 degree heat, with the promise of the ususal fine cup of coffee accompanied by a cheeky wee slice of the kitchens latest luxuriously, lascivious, Gateaux-porn on a plate. Thanks a lot for turning this eagerly anticipated monthly perengration of mine into a disenchanting safari of despair. You see, this journey to Leannas in Shuhan jie had become my personal anti-venom to the drudgery of life in a megalopolis awash with untold hundreds of cookie-cutter, faux-patisseries, ie: Rosa, Andersen, Mori, Holliland, and the ilk where "I cant get no satisfaction" from four square slices of sweetened white bread fastidiously packaged in clear plastic bags sporting frills and bows, proudly displayed under spotlights alongside an alarming array of some of the most harrowing examples of chinas modern "bread identity crisis" to date, bread trying to be cakes, cakes trying to be bread, beef making love to sponges and biscuits, chicken floss imposing itsself on sweet creamy tarts and buns, all failing dismally so that what we're inevitably presented with is a kaliedescope of WEIRD BLOBS, uncomfortable amalgamations of discordant ingredients, each ingredient inwardly bristling with insecurity and psychogical distress due to lack of a clearly defined sense of self out there at the sharp end of Chengdu's burgeoning copycat soulless French bakery/café fiasco, collectively doing thier awkward best with their miraculously mismatched bedfellows to stand proud and appear sophisticated and palatable! The only thing preventing the WEIRD BLOBS from suffering catastrpohic psychotic episodes and becoming clocktower snipers hell bent on mass murder, is the audiologically administered horse tranquiliser ie: the one, 10 beats per minute Norah Jones song on eternal repeat, which not only keeps the WEIRD BLOBS stable, but has the secondary effect of immediately sending the walk-in punters into a semi comatose state, prompting the onset of the "catatonic shuffle" around the premises, heart rates slow,...time stops,... suspended in a capsule of warm gel,... floating,.... jaws agape,.... drooling over themselves and the WEIRD BLOBS under the pretty pretty pretty lights until.....BANG!...an over zealous young lass with her hair pulled back so tight her eyes cant shut, dressed in a Thunderbirds/schoolgirl/sailor costume barks something at them in that grinding screech some chinese women get when they want to be heard above the din of a bustling market, or from the other end of the street, snatches the appropriate cash from thier hand, thrusts back some filthy little crunkled notes, tiny coins, and a reciept that nobody ever wants anyway, and turns her attention to the next zombie, all done without displaying even one picojoule of goodwill or courtesy. However, I digress.
Approaching the temple of titivating titbits on Shuhan jie that afternoon, I sensed all was not well, due in part to the body language of a small, forlorn mob milling about the entrance. Upon closer inspection I was shocked to find the temple had been abandoned, tossed to the kerb like an empty instant noodle container, sans dignity, only a sad few worthless remains littered the dilapidated cadaver of the once hallowed sanctuary. Oh the humanity. Even the hastily scrawled note in the window informing me of just how great a pleasure it had beeen serving me for the last five years, and that I should come on down to the new place, was of scant comfort to my crushed soul at that moment.
Shock, horror, confusion, anger, despair, as right on cue I was bound, gagged, and bundled onto an "emotional roller coaster" waiting in an alley nearby, while my heart bled buckets of seething misery, but i toughed it out, dug deep, pushed on through, focused on the good things in life, and eventually got back to a better place.... after about 10 seconds. Im ok now. But still, some questions remain....
Hey Leannas, did you advertise that you were closing the old place? I never heard about this. Neither did the few dejected souls I encountered at the entrance to the now dishevelled, derelict, destitute, defunct duchess of divine dining, on Shuhan jie. We all know about the swanky new place but, no news about the demise of the old timer, not even on your website. And who consults the Leannas listing description on gochengdoo before every visit to Leannas, its virtually invisible! I beseech you Leannas. Wheres the love?
I'll tell ya where the love is. Its right here folks. Due to me being a fantabulously accommodating, genial, convivial, outstanding urbane bounder of the highest order, Im gonna do a little unsolicited P.R work for Leannas, and put this out there, mainly for the benefit of any other unfortunate sad sack who pushbikes halfway across town in the midday sun, hanging out for top notch coffe and cakes at Leannas shuhan Jie...........
THE OLD LEANNAS IN SHUHAN JIE IS CLOSED.
THE NEW LEANNAS IN SUNING PLAZA IS OPEN!
Respect and lurv...