Date registered: July 21, 2013
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@ BoBo the Clown.
Glad to hear you had a good chuckle!
Big call FLOTUS! However, i was reading somewhere just the other day about this, and heres some more info for you incredulous folks out there.
The main reason she chose our fair city was so that she could indulge her hitherto unpublicised P.M 2.5 fetish/obsession.
Thats right, the secret is out, shes got a "thang" for the poisonous dust.
She revealed that she has secretly yearned to enjoy the benefits of asthma, emphysema, and possibly even lung cancer, and hopes that she, POTUS, and the kids can all enjoy them "as a family".
She went on to say that blue sky is "overrated", and "so last century", and that the incessant cloak of grey doom that that blankets CDU should be viewed as a protective, nurturing phenomenon, both protecting the city from the prying eyes of sattelite observation, and shielding the residents from the perils of U.V exposure.
She added that the enigmatic cloak nourishes city dwellers souls by infusing in them, a palpable phlegmatic (and phlegm-atic) indifference to one another, a vital virtue for survival in such a progressive and scintillating urban junglescape.
Secondary to the health blessings is the opportunity to "live life on the edge" cycling and driving on the streets of the wild southwest. The unpredictability of selfish, arrogant, dangerous, aggressive, and downright stooopid drivers of public and private vehicles, from two wheels up, provides countless chances for injury or death. Ahhh, those cheeky wee green johnny cabs with desperate lunatics at the wheel, the tiny baby honk of a Chengdu bus as it scuffs your back wheel in the bike lane and nudges you and your bike onto the sidewalk whick is full of parked cars, the silent scourge of the e-bike, which could high speed sucker punch you into hospital, from any direction at any time, and the absence of headlights on these and many other vehicles just adds to the air of mystique surrounding the exoitic southwest.
A particularly fascinating spectacle is the chance to catch a glimpse of (and possibly inevitable outcome of) the profusion of unrestrained kiddies clambering around the cockpits of the speeding Benzs, Range Rovers, Geelys, and Jetta's galore, heads out the window or sunroof, sitting on the drivers (generally texting or talking on phone) or grandma's lap, standing on the floor with the cute little head next to the passengers airbag bomb, the concept of a childs car seat not yet having permeated into the conciousness of the mindless motoring masses.
How sweet, in an innocent, naive, old fashioned kind of way.
But thats not all. Add to the list, myriad food safety issues (variety), gutter oil roulette (gambling), second hand fag smoke (the satisfaction of recycling), the dazzling array and sheer abundance of lung oysters underfoot (local delicacy), and the sweet birdsong involved in the expulsion thereof (Chengdu throat singing), the opportunity to be stared at, pointed at, talked about, photographed, become the source of fellow citizens amusement on a daily basis (provide entertainment for so many new friends), and too many other highlights to list here.
So when you add it all up, and gaze down Renmin Nanlu on a day when the omnipitent panacea of P.M 2.5 reduces your visibility to 600 mtrs, it all makes perfect sense really.
Pack your stuff and come on down FLOTUS and co. Theres no place i'd rather be?
Peace and lurv.
I was bored so I bisected your pseudonym (how do you come up with that stuff?), and depressed some keys on my puter..
I learned a few things i'd like to share.
1) Louann, as a girl's name is a variant of Luana (Hawaiian), and the meaning of Louann is "enjoyment".
2) Louann is a town in Ouachita County, Arkansas, United States. The population was 195 at the 2000 census
3) Dr. Louann (Brizendine) is a famous Neuropsychiatrist and author of 'The Female Brain' & 'The Male Brain'.
4) The Thin White Duke (David Bowie for all you gen Y's) took his name after the American Bowie knife because he said "it cuts both ways."
Smart man. Everything in moderation.
I cant see you :)
But seriously, and from the bottom of my heart.........I feel the anguish of your 21st century modern Chinese kettle conundrum, and here's my advice. Its time to ditch the "kettle" concept for good.
Gather your gross of dead kettles in a sack, punt them for scrap, and put the proceeds towards a hot and cold water dispenser. You know the one? Plastic. Nice. Little cupboard underneath for paper cups. Looks right at home in just about any setting. Cheesy decorative pattern optional. Two taps. Boiling and freezing. Summer and winter sorted. One phone call and the little man on the leaning e-bike will zoom round and bang a 15 litre bottle in the top of it, right there in your domicile, and dispose of the redundant vessel, for less than the price of a Mapa Tofu and rice.
I believe there can be no compromise in the year of the horse. Make the switch. You will never regret it.
By the way, boiled or not, I feel altogether trepidatious about ingesting anything that flows from the taps in my Chengdu manor.
Any scientists or duly qualified folks out there able to quell or verify my unease on this matter??? Its a worry.
Respect and lurv.
Im still not sure what drew me to BK on Chunxi Lu. Probably more to do with boredom, curiosity, nosiness, and the fact that I was nearby anyway, definately not hunger or the desire for an exciting new international burger experience.
Unless you are reading this from your little village, which you've never strayed far from somewhere in the midddle of Burkina Faso, or perhaps from the austere comforts of your ice cave in central Greenland, or the seclusion of your remote mountain domicile in Tajikistan, or any other country unlucky enough not to be blessed with the presence of the omnipitent burger goliath, you'll know BK burgers are "kinda shit" at best, and only fit for human consumption when extremely intoxicated after midnight as a prelude to, or band-aid fix for, alcohol induced vomiting.
So, predisposed to viewing BK through the filter of this lowly evaluation, and sporting a sober noontime disposition, I warily sidled into the premises. Clean, new, oozing sophisticated metropolitan fast food standardised chain store chic, the atmosphere is charged with excitement, the staff are buzzing, the punters are "loving it", this place going off. I see genuine reverence on the feeders faces and Im concious of remarkably high concentrations of glee and exhiliration infusing everyone and everything in this new darling of the international fast food pigeonhole, right here in little old Chengdu. Rejoice your chosen god my friends, for "real american burgers" are here at last!
Powerless against the all engulfing tsunami of euphoria, i find myself swept up to the counter. "Welcome to BK. What can i get you?" she asks, big teeth shimmering, bright eyes twinkling............
Shit.I dont want to eat this crap, Im not drunk, or even hungry, what am I doing here? I ask myself.
Ok, Ok, ok just one little burger for old times sake, just for something to moan about during a pregnant pause at the next knitting circle meeting.
Moments later, there she was, 1 x fresh, piping hot, junior whopper, spicy option.
I pulled up a comfortable new chair and commenced consumption. Then...something very strange and totally enexpected happened. To my complete astonishment it actually tasted...."PRETTY GOOD!" WTF? Have they changed the recipie or something? Has it been so long since I indulged that nostalgia has decieved my tastebuds? Were all my past forays so tainted with the residue of post party puke that there was no chance of the true flavour being revealed? Do they really taste different sober?
Puzzled and perplexed, but pleasantly surprised, theres not much more I can add. It was a pretty tasty little burger.
I might even return for more!
Respect & lurv
Thanks a lot Leannas. Thanks for letting me ride my pushbike halfway across town in 35 degree heat, with the promise of the ususal fine cup of coffee accompanied by a cheeky wee slice of the kitchens latest luxuriously, lascivious, Gateaux-porn on a plate. Thanks a lot for turning this eagerly anticipated monthly perengration of mine into a disenchanting safari of despair. You see, this journey to Leannas in Shuhan jie had become my personal anti-venom to the drudgery of life in a megalopolis awash with untold hundreds of cookie-cutter, faux-patisseries, ie: Rosa, Andersen, Mori, Holliland, and the ilk where "I cant get no satisfaction" from four square slices of sweetened white bread fastidiously packaged in clear plastic bags sporting frills and bows, proudly displayed under spotlights alongside an alarming array of some of the most harrowing examples of chinas modern "bread identity crisis" to date, bread trying to be cakes, cakes trying to be bread, beef making love to sponges and biscuits, chicken floss imposing itsself on sweet creamy tarts and buns, all failing dismally so that what we're inevitably presented with is a kaliedescope of WEIRD BLOBS, uncomfortable amalgamations of discordant ingredients, each ingredient inwardly bristling with insecurity and psychogical distress due to lack of a clearly defined sense of self out there at the sharp end of Chengdu's burgeoning copycat soulless French bakery/café fiasco, collectively doing thier awkward best with their miraculously mismatched bedfellows to stand proud and appear sophisticated and palatable! The only thing preventing the WEIRD BLOBS from suffering catastrpohic psychotic episodes and becoming clocktower snipers hell bent on mass murder, is the audiologically administered horse tranquiliser ie: the one, 10 beats per minute Norah Jones song on eternal repeat, which not only keeps the WEIRD BLOBS stable, but has the secondary effect of immediately sending the walk-in punters into a semi comatose state, prompting the onset of the "catatonic shuffle" around the premises, heart rates slow,...time stops,... suspended in a capsule of warm gel,... floating,.... jaws agape,.... drooling over themselves and the WEIRD BLOBS under the pretty pretty pretty lights until.....BANG!...an over zealous young lass with her hair pulled back so tight her eyes cant shut, dressed in a Thunderbirds/schoolgirl/sailor costume barks something at them in that grinding screech some chinese women get when they want to be heard above the din of a bustling market, or from the other end of the street, snatches the appropriate cash from thier hand, thrusts back some filthy little crunkled notes, tiny coins, and a reciept that nobody ever wants anyway, and turns her attention to the next zombie, all done without displaying even one picojoule of goodwill or courtesy. However, I digress.
Approaching the temple of titivating titbits on Shuhan jie that afternoon, I sensed all was not well, due in part to the body language of a small, forlorn mob milling about the entrance. Upon closer inspection I was shocked to find the temple had been abandoned, tossed to the kerb like an empty instant noodle container, sans dignity, only a sad few worthless remains littered the dilapidated cadaver of the once hallowed sanctuary. Oh the humanity. Even the hastily scrawled note in the window informing me of just how great a pleasure it had beeen serving me for the last five years, and that I should come on down to the new place, was of scant comfort to my crushed soul at that moment.
Shock, horror, confusion, anger, despair, as right on cue I was bound, gagged, and bundled onto an "emotional roller coaster" waiting in an alley nearby, while my heart bled buckets of seething misery, but i toughed it out, dug deep, pushed on through, focused on the good things in life, and eventually got back to a better place.... after about 10 seconds. Im ok now. But still, some questions remain....
Hey Leannas, did you advertise that you were closing the old place? I never heard about this. Neither did the few dejected souls I encountered at the entrance to the now dishevelled, derelict, destitute, defunct duchess of divine dining, on Shuhan jie. We all know about the swanky new place but, no news about the demise of the old timer, not even on your website. And who consults the Leannas listing description on gochengdoo before every visit to Leannas, its virtually invisible! I beseech you Leannas. Wheres the love?
I'll tell ya where the love is. Its right here folks. Due to me being a fantabulously accommodating, genial, convivial, outstanding urbane bounder of the highest order, Im gonna do a little unsolicited P.R work for Leannas, and put this out there, mainly for the benefit of any other unfortunate sad sack who pushbikes halfway across town in the midday sun, hanging out for top notch coffe and cakes at Leannas shuhan Jie...........
THE OLD LEANNAS IN SHUHAN JIE IS CLOSED.
THE NEW LEANNAS IN SUNING PLAZA IS OPEN!
Respect and lurv...
Whats happened to KDK?
I rolled down there on Saturday noon with a mean hunger on, drooling for a doner kebab. Ive been there many times in the past and haven't found a better kebab anywhere. Greeted by the sight of a fully deployed steel roller door, I was instantly inundated by a tsunami of despair. No note on the door, or any information for the hapless, would-be punters, and regular feeders like myself. So, head in hands and duly cursing the gods, I slinked (slunk?) away downcast and resolved to return for my fix.
Sunday noon, with that same mean hunger on, only compounded by the events of the previous day, and tinged with a palpable and lingering sense of fear and foreboding, I once again rolled down the main street....past the RenRenLe.....and....past all those silly little cake shops that sell silly little cakes......and.... where the KDK should have been with its doors flung open, lights blazing, and at the altar of meat a large moist stack of animal flesh languidly revolving past the wall of flame as it quietly succumbed to the heat, dripped it succulent juices, and became cooked to this carnivores satisfaction, was.....A FULLY DEPLOYED ROLLER DOOR!!! Aaaarrrgggghhh!!!
Like a knife directly dissecting my aorta with one violent thrust, this sight brought me to my knees, fists raised to the sky and screaming at the heavens like a broken beast at the gates of hell. Why,why,why? was all I could ask. What terrible fate has been bestowed upon the hallowed feeding grounds of this foriegnus carnivorous, the home of the only "pretty decent kebab" for hundreds of miles in any direction. Surely it hasn't gone down the plughole? Please tell me it aint so. For now I remain broken and hungry, dwelling in a dark pit of misery and mourning, clinging onto the faintest glimmer of hope that its just temporary, that that vision of blackness and finality, the fully deployed steel roller door, will rise again soon and the good folks of Chengdu will be able to feast on cheap, wholesome food, with reckless abandon, before doing cartwheels in the street and singing "hallelujah" in celebration!